


It's a long, hard journey

by supercrunch



Category: Free!
Genre: M/M, You thought wrong, a guest appearance by Nitori's Burrito, auto-fellatio, did you think i wouldnt try to fit as many dick puns into this as humanly possible?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-06
Updated: 2014-09-06
Packaged: 2018-02-16 09:05:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2263863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supercrunch/pseuds/supercrunch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The boys of Samezuka discover the concept of auto-fellatio. They suck at it, and not in a good way. </p><p> </p><p>(Momo is generally naked, Rin tries to turn it into a new training regimen, and Nitori takes a minute to wonder if he should have gone to Iwatobi instead.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's a long, hard journey

**Author's Note:**

> A prompt from the kink meme.

 

 

 

“Sousuke.”

“What?”

“If you have the time, could you help me with some training? I’m trying to increase my flexibility, but it’s not working out as well as I’d hoped.”

“Your flexibility is fine. It’s control you should be working on if you want to improve your butterfly.”

“I’m not trying to improve my butterfly, though.”

“Freestyle?”

“No. This has nothing to do with swimming.”

“Then what-”

“I’m trying to blow myself.”

 

 

Sousuke set down his book, sat up and steepled his hands in front of his face to regard his roommate stoically. “Rin. What did I tell you about accepting baked goods from Hazuki?”

“That it’s only a step above accepting candy from strangers?”

“Exactly. Now, do you know what was in there? Was it cannabutter?”

“I haven’t had any cannabutter-”

“Did he substitute all the flour for cocaine?”

Rin held his hands up in defense. “Look, I learnt my lesson after the first time, alright? I’m not high. It’s just, you know how Momo’s been coming in with back injuries for the past couple of weeks and we all thought it was because he was training too hard?”

“…yes?”

“It turns out he’s been trying auto-fellatio. He said he heard about it from some guys and apparently it’s really difficult, so I got curious and I’ve been trying it, and well, did you know you could suck your own dick? Because I sure didn’t.”

Sousuke’s lips parted slightly in disbelief. He reached out to clasp his friend’s shoulder. “Bro. Listen to me. I’ve only ever wanted what was best for you. Are you _sure_ you want to go down Minishiba’s route of sexual deviancy?”

“Okay, I can see where you’re coming from, but Sousuke, consider this: _you can actually suck your own dick.”_

“…is this why you’ve been complaining about a stiff back but refused to see the nurse?”

Rin didn’t meet his eye. “I’m not denying it’s theoretically possible that I might have tried it a couple of times.”

“And these times might have coincided with the backaches you’ve been having?”

“Maybe.”

Sousuke stared at him. “I’m a little worried about you.”

Rin ignored the pitying look he was being given and instead grabbed Sousuke by the face. “Dude, listen. It’s _really hard_. You have to be super flexible, and strong enough to support yourself, and apparently you have to do all sorts of abdominal exercises, and sometimes it takes years of practice before you get any good. It’s almost a _sport_. Imagine how athletic you’d have to be to pull this shit off. In fact, you could almost think of it as-”

“Please don’t say-”

“ _Training_ ,” Rin said, eyes wide and palms smushing Sousuke’s cheeks hard enough to give him unflattering fishlips.

Sousuke tried to sigh, but it came out more like a half-hearted raspberry thanks to what Rin was doing to his face. “Don’t do this, I’m begging you.”

"I can't do this. Not properly, anyway."

"Then stop trying."

“Stop trying? Seriously, do you think for _one second_ that I’m gonna let that little twerp get there before I do?”

“Jesus Christ, this isn’t a fucking competition, Rin!”

“Of course it’s not a fucking competition,” Rin raised an eyebrow like _Sousuke_ was the blithering idiot in the room. “It’s a fellatio competition. If it was a fucking competition, I would have won by now.”

Sousuke squeezed his eyes shut. “I’m gonna need to have a word with Momo.”

Rin clamped his friend’s lips together with two fingers, but let go of his cheeks. “Do it after I’ve succeeded. I’m going to be the first Samezuka student to suck himself off, and you’re going to be there to cheer me on.”

Sousuke said something that may have been an insult, but it was too muffled to hear, so Rin let it slide.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Literally all Nitori had wanted to do after class was to climb into bed, maybe flip through a few pages of the dirty magazine hidden in his pillowcase, and then watch gory movies and eat a burrito. He didn’t expect to open the door to the sight of Momotarou attempting to fold himself into a naked pretzel with his bare ass in the air, but then again, this was Momo, so maybe he shouldn’t have been all that surprised.

To his credit, he didn’t actually scream. He only let out a strangled wheeze before turning on his heel and walking right back out the door. Except, the door didn’t seem to be open, so he walked into it rather than out of it, but he could be forgiven for ignoring such semantics.

“Door’s warm,” he said casually, because there wasn’t much else to do at that point.

“Thanks,” said the door, and Nitori took a step back.

Sousuke was normally very intimidating, but staring up at Sousuke was infinitely preferable to staring into the depths of Momotarou’s asshole, so Nitori stayed where he was. “Oh. Hello.”

“Hi.” Sousuke leaned against the doorframe and raised his eyebrow at the abomination in the top bunk. “I didn’t know he could bend that way,” he said thoughtfully.

“I’m a little bit upset I found out,” said Nitori.

They were silent for a moment, and then Momo coughed. “So. I might be stuck.”

“I could always watch movies in the common room,” said Nitori out loud, but Sousuke picked him up and dragged him bodily into the room, and that afternoon they both learnt that trying to disentangle a doubled-over Momo from his sheets and blankets was a little like wrestling a really noisy octopus with exposed and surprisingly large genitalia. Still, Nitori supposed he didn’t need a movie to freak himself out anymore, so he chalked that up to a win.

Unfortunately, Momo didn’t quite have the presence of mind to cover himself up once he’d been freed, so Nitori was subjected to the other boy’s boner for an extra four seconds before Sousuke threw a sock at him and ordered him to cover it up. All else aside, it was impressive he’d managed to keep it erect.

Sousuke pulled up a chair and sat opposite the bed, although he respectfully avoided eye-contact and instead kept his gaze strictly below his underclassman’s shoulders. Well, below his navel, really, but Nitori wasn't about to analyse that in too much detail. “Momo, I think we need to talk.”

Momotarou gave them both a salute. “What’s up, senpais?”

“I don’t think there’s a way to put this delicately-”

“Please try for my sake,” said Nitori.

“-so I’m just gonna come right out and say it. Stop trying to suck your own dick. It’s really dangerous and also incredibly gay.”

Momo appeared to consider this. “I don’t think it’s gay if it’s your own dick,” he said, tapping his chin.

“That’s when it’s the _most_ gay,” Sousuke replied. He still wasn’t looking him in the eye. Nitori, by contrast, stared unblinkingly ahead, the knowledge that Momo basically had a faceless sock puppet sitting between his legs slowly eating away at his soul. “Anyway,” Sousuke continued, “you’ve got Rin into it, and he’s probably going to develop an unhealthy obsession, and I’d rather not have to bear witness to that.”

“We could always put Momo and Rin-senpai in the same room,” Nitori suggested.

Sousuke paused. “Do I get the bottom bunk?”

“Sure. I snore, though.”

Sousuke scowled. “Momo, stop trying to suck your own dick.”

“But _senpai_ ,” Momo whined. “How can you blame me for trying? It’s not like there’s loads of girls here, and a guy gets tired of his right hand, you know?”

“I don’t think that’s a valid excuse for traumatizing the rest of us.”

“Achieving auto-fellatio is my _ambition_ ,” Momo said decisively.

To Nitori’s horror, Sousuke actually pondered this. “Well, it’s always good to follow your dreams.”

“Exactly! And I’m prepared to put in so much effort!”

“You’ll make sure to work towards your goal?”

“Of course,” said Momo seriously.

Sousuke nodded gravely. “Alright, Momo. Take your future into your own hands, and don’t let me catch you slacking off.”

“I’ll practice every day.”

“Please don’t,” Nitori said.

Sousuke reached over to pat Momo on the leg, and Nitori took a second to wonder if he brushed against Momo’s sock by accident or out of morbid curiosity. “Do your best, kid, and don’t let it interfere with your swimming.”

“This activity is physically demanding, and soon I’ll be in tip-top shape, you’ll see!”

“I won’t see,” said Nitori. “I’ll be emotionally scarred for good. You remember that rut Rin-senpai got into when he almost quite swimming? It’ll be like that, but worse.”

Sousuke ignored him and headed to the door. “Good luck, Momo. Tell me if you need help.”

“Thank you, senpai.”

“No problem.”

“This is definitely a problem,” Nitori pointed out, but Sousuke had already left by then.

Momo grinned, completely unaffected by the any of the exchange. “So, wanna watch some horror movies?”

Nitori stared at him, and then shrugged. “You know what, why not. I’m pretty sure I can handle anything at this point. Please put your underpants back on, though.”

Mercifully, Momo actually listened, although he didn’t take the sock off first. The rest of the evening was passed in relative comfort. The movie wasn’t all that scary, but it was fun watching a bunch of teenagers getting picked off by a psycho with a chainsaw even if Momo did fall asleep twenty minutes in.

Halfway through the movie, though, Nitori realised that the only snacks they had left were pretzels, which brought back memories he didn’t particularly want, so he stopped the movie, threw away the pretzels, then climbed into the cupboard and stayed there until dinner.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Unfortunately, it turned out Momotarou was more persuasive than you would have thought, because Sousuke was sitting in the nurse’s office with a guilty expression not three days later.

Samezuka’s nurse was a formidable older woman with thick, horn-rimmed glasses and a frown to rival Rin’s. “What happened to you?” she asked, narrowing her eyes at him.

Sousuke scratched the back of his neck meekly, despite being almost a foot taller. “I threw my back out.”

“Yes, I can see that. I want to know how.”

He glanced at Rin, who was sitting next to him, biting his lip to keep from laughing. “I was stretching,” he said, and Rin bit his lip harder.

“Were you trying to sit on your own head? Because that’s the only activity I can imagine that would injure you this severely.”

Sousuke refused to meet her eye, but mumbled something about swim practice. The nurse turned her glare on Rin, who immediately bit back his smirk.

“What have you been making your teammates do, Captain Matsuoka?”

“Nothing, nothing at all,” Rin said quickly. “Sousuke just needs practice. He’s a little stiff.”

“Is that so?”

Sousuke pinched him hard on the thigh when the nurse wasn’t looking, but Rin ignored him. “Don’t be too hard on him, please,” he said, fighting to keep his face straight. “He’s been doing so well lately, the whole team wants him to keep it up. We didn’t see this coming. I promise we’ll figure out what’s wrong with his regimen. Ask deep, penetrating questions and all that. Make sure to really pump him for answers.”

The nurse raised an eyebrow. “Alright, but Yamazaki-kun, please take it easy for the next few days and don’t strain yourself any more than you have to. Now off to class, both of you.”

The boys stood up and bowed. “Thank you for your help. I’m sure it made a _vas deferens,”_ Rin said seriously, and then ran out the door.

 

 

Normally, it was Rin who kicked Sousuke in the back of the legs, but Sousuke decided to make an exception when he caught up with Rin in the corridor. “You didn’t have to laugh at me,” he said sourly, and Rin practically _giggled_.

“So much for not wanting to get involved with my sexual deviancy. It serves you right.”

“Shut up. You talked about it so often I got curious. Can you really blame me?”

“No, but I’ll be thinking of you as my rival from now on.”

“Bring it.”

“That being said, this proves my point about how auto-fellatio counts as athletic training. Not as easy as it looks, huh?”

“You’re not going to introduce it to the team and tell them to practice, are you?”

“I’ll think about it long and hard,” said Rin decisively, and Sousuke kicked him again.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

As it turned out, the nurse’s office saw a lot more injuries that week, and all of them were related to pulled muscles.

“I’m starting to think this may be turning into a problem,” said Nitori helplessly as he watched his seniors stretch.

“Nonsense,” said Rin as Sousuke pressed down on his back. “This can only be a good thing. Look how limber everyone’s getting.”

“Momo almost tore a ligament yesterday.”

“At least he’s happy,” said Rin airily before his face disappeared somewhere into his knee. “Almost there, Sousuke.”

“You have to admit, we haven’t been this competitive in a while,” said Sousuke conversationally. “I mean, the guys are really fired up about who can be the first to do it. It’s kind of fun.”

“It’s _not_ ,” said Nitori. “It’s awful, and it’s probably also physically impossible unless you’re some sort of contortionist.”

“You’ll get there someday,” said Rin.

“I don’t want to get there someday! It’s gross!”

Both Rin and Sousuke paused to look at him. “You mean you’re the only one on the team not trying?”

Nitori balked. The rest of the locker room had ceased their activities and turned to him, apparently waiting for an answer. He paled slightly and took a moment to admire the craftsmanship of the ceiling. “Uh. Sure. I’ve been practicing too?”

“How’s your progress?”

“Slow,” said Nitori, wondering what bad choices he’d made to lead him to this point.

Rin smiled reassuringly. “You’ll get there.”

“Thanks,” said Nitori blandly. “That being said, I still think that maybe we’re focusing on this a little bit too much. I barely even see anyone in the pool anymore. Everyone’s busy stretching and trying to get their legs up over their heads. Our performance is going to suffer if we keep on like this.”

Rin straightened up and rocked on the balls of his feet. “Come on, Ai, we’ve been through this. It’ll help us out in the long run. Flexibility is an important part of athleticism. We’re going to be better swimmers for it.”

“That may be true, but I really don’t think trying to give yourself a blowjob is quite the best way to go about it-”

“It’s good training,” Rin silenced him with a hand on his shoulder. “Make sure to try your best. I don’t want you getting left behind, okay?”

“Do I really have to?”

“Of course you do! Ai, listen. When practice is over, I want you to go back to your room and think about me. Think of what I’m telling you right now and just reach into your pants and grab hold of yourself, because you know what? It’s not just your dick you have in your hand. It’s your future.”

“Uh-”

“Do you want to be a better swimmer? If you do, you’ll need to hold on tight and try to squeeze out every last bit of effort, no matter how hard it is. Reach deep inside yourself and keep standing tall! Stretch yourself and reach as far as you can, and make sure to use your head! You might suck, sure, and maybe you’ll even weep, but you keep at it, and pretty soon all that sucking is gonna pay off, and you’ll get your happy ending. Success will be so close you’ll be able to _taste_ it, and when you do, you need to imagine all your teammates right there with you, because we’re going to do this together! We’re going to do this-”

“What-”

_“-for the team.”_

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

It had to stop.

Exactly one month later, nobody had reached their goal, and it was obvious. Sixteen swimmers were injured and couldn’t come to regular practice, and everyone else’s frustration was beginning to boil over. Rin was never really a ray of sunshine, but his lack of success showed in how brutally he berated his team at  _their_ lack of success. Nitori, for the first time since enrolling in Samezuka, didn’t particularly feel like going to the pool to be harangued into joining in on their bizarre quest for sexual self-sufficiency.

“This isn’t much more than glorified masturbation,” Nitori said after walking in on Momo yet again. This time he didn’t even bother offering him a sock.

“I don’t see a problem with that,” Momo said (probably; it was hard to hear him when he was trying to speak from between his own thighs).

Nitori sat in his bed and sighed. “All I’m saying is that someone’s gonna snap soon.”

“I think that’s a little dramatic,” said Momo, forgetting for the moment that Nitori generally tended to be right about these things.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Sousuke threw his back out again, and this time he wasn’t so complacent about it.

“This,” he said to Momo, “is _entirely_ your fault,” right before tackling him to his knees and proving, then and there in the Samezuka locker room, that there was no need to learn how to give a blowjob to yourself if you had an enthusiastic underclassman willing to do it for you.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

In the end, Nitori supposed, it was for the best, because the auto-fellatio fad fizzled out pretty quickly after that. Well, the ‘ _auto’_ part did; as it turned out, Sousuke inadvertently started an entirely new fad of regular fellatio, although this was altogether much easier and put everyone in a better mood. It became common to hear soft cries of pleasure and “no homo” coming from various rooms around campus. A small price to pay in exchange for a regular, functioning team.

It wasn’t easy to get to sleep with Momo, Sousuke _and_ the occasional Rin canoodling in the top bunk, but at least he didn’t have to walk in on his roommate trying to do naked gymnastics anymore, and they’d actually gone back to swimming at practice. Plus, as it turned out, Nitori would often wake up to find one of the other boys slipping into his bed in the middle of the night, because it seemed that if they couldn’t give blowjobs to themselves, they were hell-bent on giving blowjobs to _someone._

It was a necessary evil, probably, and Nitori was a responsible guy. He’d soldier on.

“For the team,” he grinned, and submitted to the hands trying to tug his pants off.

 

 

 

 

(Three weeks later, Nagisa bounded into the Iwatobi swim team’s clubroom brandishing a pink phone with a brand new text message from Rin, screaming something about an alternative training regimen.

“Guys, get this. Auto-fellatio,” he said, spreading his arms out wide for dramatic effect.

“Too much trouble,” said Haru.

“I don’t even think that’s possible,” said Makoto.

“Been there, done that,” said Rei.

“Alright, fine,” said Nagisa, deflating and tucking his phone into his back pocket.

That being said, Samezuka became particularly hard to beat when the next swim practice rolled around. Instead of saying _I told you so_ , though, Nagisa threw himself into making the alternative training work, and, understanding the difficulty of what they were trying to achieve, took great pleasure in offering assistance where needed.)

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> i'm not sorry.


End file.
